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Through The Looking Glass

                                            Through the Looking Glass     

shutterstock_14746480 falling down

Early one fall I took a day trip to Calgary, Alberta, to buy spring and summer fashions for my retail business. I brought my teenage daughters along and planned to do some afternoon shopping after my appointment. I wore my navy business suit to make a good impression and for added flair, I wore my three-inch heels.  It was important to me to look pulled together so the sales representatives would assume I knew what I was doing.

My teenagers dressed for comfort in jeans and tennis shoes.  However, I decided to keep the suit and heels on for shopping, because I did not want to bring an extra set of clothes.  The day had been fun but exhausting, and by 5 pm I had burned-out.  I had a headache, my feet hurt, and I was hobbling. I was ready to go home, take a hot bath, and go to bed.

 I made one last stop at the drugstore on the way out of the mall, and my daughters decided to wait outside for me.  I paid for my purchases, and hurried out to meet them. Suddenly and abruptly, I crashed into a sparkling clean glass wall with such force it caused people to stop in their tracks and check out all the commotion near the eighth aisle.

 After my perfect face-plant into the glass, I slid to the floor in an ungraceful heap.  My shopping bags were in complete disarray, one three-inch heel came off, a button flew off to the great unknown, and my skirt was a little higher than I felt comfortable with.

As I tried to gather my wits and composure, I noticed my two daughters bent over in laughter and I could tell they were pretending not to know me.  When they began to walk away from me, I was sure they did not want anyone to know the dressed-up blonde in a heap on the floor was their mother. 

Lady, Call Me Anytime!

Lady, Call Me Anytime

car_mn_0While doing last minute packing for a speaking engagement in northern Alberta, my husband was warming up our SUV. I was excited about the northern adventure, but also a little apprehensive because our vehicle’s electrical system had been acting up. The fan would run off and on when it was turned off. Lyle was staying home and I felt a little insecure about my technical abilities, and didn’t want to have a dead battery on my trip. My understanding of a working automobile consists of putting the key in the ignition. If the motor starts, it works. So simple.

After putting my bags in the back of our vehicle, my husband suggested that I go by our dealership and have the fan disconnected. I promised I would.

Arriving at the dealership I checked in, and sure enough the fan was still running at full force in the SUV. I went directly to the service department and the manager said, “All the service personnel are having their morning coffee break, they will be back in twenty minutes”.

I took a seat, and thought I would use my time wisely by telling the service department manager how disappointed I was with our vehicle. I blathered on about the electrical problems and how stressful it was to be stranded somewhere away from home. After twenty minutes a serviceman said he would look at my car, and as we walked I explained the problem. I opened the back of the vehicle, he climbed in and listened, turned his head from side to side and listened some more.

As he climbed out of the vehicle, he said, “I don’t think it’s the fan. I think it is your tote bag.”

I told him with certainty the bag contained a blow-dryer and curling iron, and as he could see they were not plugged in!

The Toothless Wonder

The Toothless Wonder

Toothless Woman

Three hours past our departure time, my husband, Lyle, and I, and our two teenage daughters, were finally pulling away from our southern Alberta home. We were on our way to the State Fair in Great Falls, Montana, but the way our car was packed, it seemed like we were off on a world tour.

I was looking forward to six days of rest and relaxation. No cooking, no early mornings, and plenty of my favorite hobby—retail therapy. We had a poolside room and our girls were ready to find their swimsuits and head to the water. However, my husband (the practical one) decided we would have supper first, before the swimming suits came out of the suitcases and everyone headed for the pool.

After a delicious Mexican dinner, I hurried back to our room because I had something stuck under my upper partial plate. As I hurried into the powder room, I took out my “two front teeth” and laid them on a tissue next to the sink. After I brushed my teeth, I wiped off the counter, threw the paper and tissue into the toilet, and flushed. I turned around to get my teeth, but they were nowhere in sight. I ran around the hotel room crying, praying, and hoping that I would find those teeth, but I knew in my heart they were gone—flushed—adios—good-bye.

My family returned to find me flustered and crying. They were clearly concerned, but before I told them what happened to my poor teeth, I made each one promise not to laugh. It did not help one bit. By the end of my story, they were rolling with laughter and asking to see my toothless smile, which only brought more uncontrolled laughter.

I decided right there my vacation was over. I wanted to go home. I told my family I could not spend the rest of the week without my two front teeth.

“Oh yes you can,” my husband said. “All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and no one will know.”  Now why didn’t I think of that?

The Great Laundry Caper

The Great Laundry Caper

images (69)Moving is a stressful and time-consuming project, the more mature I get the less I like this task.  While I was drowning in boxes, I needed to search for a washer and drier. Our clothes were piling up and I was nearing my last pair of underwear ………  I searched the sale fliers for a laundry set that would fit both our needs and budget.  After comparing prices we made our decision.  A white set with burgundy lettering, I thought it would match our other furniture.  Besides, it had a wrinkle free cycle that appealed to me, sense my ironing board and iron are a Stone Age model.  

The salesman was anxious, jumpy, and talked incisively.  He assured me I had come to the right place, gotten the best price, deal and warranty of any other customer he had had that day. Plus they were going to deliver it on Saturday morning around      9:00 am. I was the luckiest woman in town.  Of course I was thrilled; I had a week’s washing and needed to get some clothes washed.

Saturday morning came and no washer and drier, I was in a panic we needed to wash clothes and be at another appointment across town by 2:00 pm.  Finally, I received a call telling me they were running late and would arrive at 1:00 pm. I knew this would be cutting my time short, mentally figuring out how I was going to make my next appointment.  I was about to have a meltdown. 

Arriving at 1:10 pm I was told they didn’t have time to set everything up. “It was easy, a piece of cake, you could do-it-yourself” Jr. said, giving me the thumbs up as he raced out the door.  Now I don’t know about you, but when someone tells me it’s easy, red flags start flying. He said he had confidence in me. Clearly, he hadn’t heard I am both un-coordinated and mechanically challenged.

I remember thinking the washer and drier looked different, but I didn’t have time to spend on that thought as we rushed to our appointment.

After a stressful afternoon, arriving home I began looking at the washer and drier again, I realized the top was the wrong color. Instead of white with burgundy letters across the top, it was baby blue enamel.  It had that “blast from the past” 50’s look.

Stressed I was awake most of the night doing research and worked myself into a dizzy-tizzy.  I was sure the company had ripped me off and sent me a relic from the back of the warehouse. I finally fell asleep at 4:00 am worn out and upset.  And I still had no clothes washed!!!

The next day I decided to go by the store and discuss the situation with the salesman.  Praying all the way over there that I would be kind but firm. I walked in and asked for Harold.   Explaining to another gentleman the wrong washer and drier had been delivered to my house.  He wasn’t sympathetic and told me those things happen all the time! At that moment I wasn’t feeling “That Lov’in Feeling.”

This is going to hurt, I’ve fall‘in and can’t get up!

 

Woman after falling down the stairs

This is going to hurt!

I have always been blonde as well as awkward! But I can somehow maneuver in high heels which I think is an art in itself. Blonde, clumsy and high heels, now that’s an image! It’s embarrassing and I like to pretend I don’t notice my coordination is lacking. I figure if I don’t notice maybe no one else will either. Lol. However, my family and friends know my secret all too well. I think God must have a real sense of humor putting that combination together!

Saturday we went out to lunch with some friends to a charming western restaurant in the country; which even had a swinging door! A cowboy’s heaven.

Enjoying the fresh country air, great food and good friends made a perfect afternoon.

As we said our goodbyes I remember thinking, “I probably should check out the powder room before I leave”, but I put that thought out of my mind thinking I could make it home.

As I walked out the swinging doors I didn’t realize there was a 7 inch step down to the cement sidewalk below. I started the downward spiral in a slow motion sensation thinking to myself, “this is going to hurt badly”.

Trying to break my fall I splattered to the cement sidewalk. Having the wind knocked out of me; I laid there not moving, collecting my thoughts. Mentally checking to see what hurt the worst and the collateral damage, I was relieved to notice I still had all my (extra) fingernails and although I had skinned some body parts my jacket